Like many American Jews, Brenda and Michael are "three-time-a-year Jews," meaning they step into a synagogue three times over the course of twelve months. They drag their daughter, Dina, to High Holiday services, where she fidgets in boredom while her parents spend most of their time trying to contain her.

"Every year it's basically a disaster," says Michael, "but my parents did it to me and I guess I'm just continuing the tradition."

If your experience as a family mirrors Brenda and Michael's attempt to do the Jewish thing, here's my advice to you:

Stop the madness! When you are traveling on an airplane, the flight attendant tells you, "In the unlikely event of an emergency, place the oxygen mask first over your face and only then attend to your child." As parents, we may feel a bit guilty to think of ourselves first and ignore our child's needs. But we need to breathe in order to help our children breathe.

The same is true for nurturing a spiritual life in our children. On Rosh Hashanah we draw in deeply from the Divine breath. In other words, we reach as high as we can to attain a spirituality that will make us effective spiritual guides to our children in the coming year. So if they are very young and they get in the way of your prayers, don't feel guilty about arranging adequate child care.

For families, Rosh Hashanah can easily become a spiritual let-down if not planned wisely. If you do drag your young children to a five-hour service, you had better be prepared with games, food, juices, a change of clothing, and other distractions. Even then, it is unlikely that they will let you listen to the rabbi's sermon. If you really want to expose your young children to services, pick an afternoon or early evening service-which tend to be far shorter. Either way, here are some survival strategies you may want to consider:

• Find out in advance which High Holiday prayer book the congregation uses, buy several copies, and have everyone in the family make a special book cover of cloth or paper.

• Look through the prayer book and, at leisure, familiarize yourself with the text and highlight words that speak to you. Some High Holiday prayer books come with an audio cassette, and you can play these while driving in your car in the week leading up to Rosh Hashanah.

• Our family found a children's High Holiday tape, which we play in the car while driving the kids to and from school. Our kids will sometimes sing some of the tunes while they are playing with blocks or drawing. As they grow up, they will become increasingly familiar with the prayers and will be more comfortable when they attend services.

• One "heretical" idea is to split your observance of Rosh Hashanah. On the first day, go to synagogue, have the festive meals, and participate in the traditional customs of the New Year. On the second day, however, celebrate the "birthday of the world" with a family hike in the mountains or by the seashore. Be prepared with songs, nature games and /or discussions to help your children appreciate the beauty of nature and the majesty of our Creator.

• At the beginning of the secular year, you may make resolutions regarding losing weight or learning a new skill. On the Jewish New Year it is appropriate to make resolutions relating to the way we treat each other, our contributions to society, our spiritual growth, observing a new mitzvah (commandment), trying a new ritual, or reading more books on Jewish themes. Have each member of your family write a Jewish resolution and post them on your refrigerator as a friendly reminder.

• Just before Rosh Hashanah, call the family together and sit everyone down with stamps, envelopes and cards (either bought or self-made), and prepare New Year's cards to be sent out. Your children will learn about the importance of relationships for family celebrations. The card you send to your old college roommate, who lives across the country, shows your kids the value of building lasting friendships. Save the cards you receive and then for Sukkot laminate them to use as decorations in your Sukkah--wooden hut built to celebrate Sukkot.

And, most importantly, teach your children about forgiveness by example. Ask them for a pardon from actions or words that you wish you could take back from the past year. Openly engage in this process with your partner as well. Last year, Aliza, our four-year old, mimicked our behavior by asking forgiveness from Hallel, her two year old sister. The scene was as sweet as apples and honey.

Shana tova!